Q: What did one sick casket say to the other?
I can’t believe my cough is back. Tarter sauce.…

You can always tell when someone has people to do their laundry for them.
Check their hamper – every article of clothing will be turned inside out.
If they are truly loved, the clothes will be found in the layers in which they were worn,
again, all turned inside out.…

Todd Cawley goes to see his doctor because he is suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribes some pills, but they don’t help at all.
On Todd’s next visit the doctor gives him a shot, but that doesn’t do any good either.
On his third visit the doctor tells Todd to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he is finished bathing he is supposed to go out and run 10 miles.
“But Doc,” protests Todd, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”…

So I am standing next in line in the Kroger checkout this afternoon behind an Awkwardly Shaped Woman.
Checkout Girl asks her, “So, are you having a boy or a girl?”
Awkward Shaped Woman says, “Excuse me?”
C.G. repeats, only this time a little louder: “Are you having a BOY or a GIRL?”
A.S.W. flatly states, “I am NOT pregnant.”
Without a second of hesitation, C.G. says, “Well you sure look like you are about to pop to me.“
After a brief pause, A.S.W. replies “er, …